Fault: Y.O.U; faulty: M.E

I'M ALONE. 

And I hate it. 

I hate coming back to an empty room, eating with my laptop, sleeping with misery because it fucking hurts.

My phone is the only thing that links me to you. 

I doubt you can hear it, my heart. 

It's screaming: 

please, don't let me be alone too much, it's becoming unbearable.

It's screaming.

It's always been screaming.

But it's not your fault.

It's mine.

Will you fix me?

.-----------------------------------.

What's with March? It's the most volatile month of my life, I've never cried so much within such a short span of time. 

Why?

Well, March is at its end. We'll see how April turns out.

n! entertainment presents, a true malaysian story

She looks up, and her eyes shine in awe as they reflect the stars beautifully dotted across the night sky. A rare sight; she is always cooping up in her room. She feels a sense of pity for the glittering night jewels to be overlooked, or maybe it is she who should be pitied. The whole thing with the cosmos and infinite and life, it makes her feel so trivial, insignificant. Alone.

She then wonders if he too is looking up at the stars. She then wonders if he is filled with the same awe. She then wonders if he can even see them at all, what with the city lights outshining the soft blinking speckles against the dark velvet cloth stretched above the both of them.

Under the same sky, yet worlds apart.

She feels more alone, more than ever, as she trudges back. A bus whizzes past her. She recognizes the glowing red U63 and thinks that it will be truly spectacular if he was on that bus, on his way to see her tonight.

She continues walking home while battling the tears in her eyes. 

As her room door swings shut behind her, they fall.

--

It's that time of the month right before the time of the month, when hormones go haywire and stuff. PMS might be the reason for the impulsiveness. I left home for KFC, but I noticed the stars, got emo and went to McD's in Mentari. It's quite a walk away, not really a safe one either T___T Jalan jalan, beli makan, emo sambil jalan pulang. And then nangis lagi.

Oh, baby. 

I think.

They were the loveliest days. I wish it could last our lifetimes.


I have a doubtful idea of what this feeling is, but I don't know. I like to think it as 'quite severe infatuation'... which is rather synonymous to 'love'. I'm wary about 'love', though.

[description\\love]
I. There is no way of telling, at least not at this stage. We're still an infant. Five months old. Whatever we feel for each other might run out of gas soon. I wish it could last our lifetimes. But with 'love', you never know.

II. It's inexplicable. Humans are too complicated for their own good. We love, and it's the most wonderful thing in the world, except that it can break your psychology as fast as it had built it.

Be it love or infatuation, I'm expressing it with tears right now.

Does love hurt? Should it? Should it not? Maybe the constriction in my chest that builds up each time I sob and fresh tears gushing out of my puffed eyes likes waterfalls are a good thing. It's a result of me yearning for you. Missing you. Because I love you...?

Love is a risk. You take it and you either burn or run off with the most wonderful thing in the world. Right now, I'm taking the risk, but as of the verdict, it's too soon.

It's masochistic. It is because of the complications and doubts and heartaches that I'm happy. I'm happy because I hurt every time you're not around. I'm happy because every time I cry, it's on an empty bed. I'm happy because when we're together, you make the pain turn into something pleasant. Comforting. Beautiful.

I'm happy it's because of you I'm going through all this.

I can only imagine you to be happy as well, but in your own interpretation of happiness. I'm weird. I can distort the most normal thing.

There is no conclusion to this because I still don't know if this is love or not. But I'm more than willing to find out.

Maybe until then, I won't say I love you. Because it might be a lie.

Or maybe I will, because I might have been in love without knowing it. Until now.

[o.o]con\\FUSION

"Hello, stranger, good to have you back."

"It's been a while," she concurred, eyes darting left and right, up and down. The conclusion was a look of boredom,  "This place is more of a dump than ever before. Or maybe I've changed."

A mocking laughter filled the air, followed by mocking words, "You paid to be here, sister. Might as well get back to your same old habits; same old ignorant life. If you can call it a life, though it's no better than what you have now, I'll bet."

True, it's different, but only a different obsession. Empty. Maybe. 

"Maybe..." she trailed off, repeating out loud, as if to make certain of it's possibility, "I've someone now. I'm happy with him."

"But he doesn't provide the way I do. Why else would you be here?"

"He's not around much. The loneliness gets worse when you're missing someone."

"Well, like I said, you paid to be here, so make full use of your money. And you know this, but I just like rubbing it in: welcome to depravation."

Open arms. A sick smile. She didn't know if she could fall back into the 'dump' of a 'fun' life she once led. She was bored of it. But it was an escape from the loneliness. 

She'd try.

- - - - - - 

Ok, that came off as preliminary blueprints for cheating. XD I'm just having a conversation with the internet. Mm hmm, though it's not my money, my dad paid for the broadband :D Though I don't find any necessary use for it besides researching. The rest is just a waste of time: checking out youtube links, chatting, downloading stuff... all of which I don't really fancy. The youtube links I'm 'recommended' are, for the most part, stupid. I run out of things to say to someone across the chat room. Downloading stuff takes time and I'm impatient. Verily so. 

Point is, I hate being alone, knowing that I'm not. Geddit? T______T

rant.II

I'm too emotional. That just might be the death of my sanity. Or yours, whoever yields first.

I feel like I'm harboring too much emotions, so much that it might overwhelm me... and maybe you too. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm light years away from knowing you, but I am afraid of the fact that I'm light years away from knowing you. Maybe it's because I don't know how to react to certain things that you do... or don't do. You're different; you do things your own way, you live in your own world with its own set of rules and that's really cool. I just feel like a total stranger at times, aimlessly wandering in unnecessary (and imagined) doubt. So I might come up with conclusions or interpretations that aren't true. I can get so physically close to you, but whenever you look away, it feels like we're dimensions apart. You're a philosophy that I can't comprehend, an enigma that is seemingly impossible to grasp. 

Maybe I'm just impatient. We're only two months old and we have, hell, possibly two decades ahead of us for all I know to discover all three of you. I want to make you happy the way you make me happy. And you don't even have to try, which is the ridiculous thing because I'm afraid I'm boring you out. I'm too easily contented with the simple things, but I think you're looking for more. You seemed restless sometimes and it kills me to think that you were expecting more from me whatever it is that I may or may not have failed to deliver. So now I'm trying. Trying to wiggle my way into your heart and stay in there for as long as I can. Trying to be on par with you. I hate the feeling that's somewhat akin to disappointment or being let down at the end of the day because I don't think I'm good enough for you. 

The problem is, I don't know. I can't tell. I can't tell if I'm doing the right thing or not because of the silence. I'm not with a space of molecules randomly colliding with each other, I'm with a person... whose sentience might be a bit lacking, as Chris indirectly pointed out (that doesn't really sound any better than air, lol). I need a response to work with, to help me qualm the doubts, the insecurities. I suppose 'When You Say Nothing At All' isn't cut out for our theme song. That's the whole point behind this rant, I guess.

RE;start

I love your smell.

I’ve always been like this; scents have always been my thing.

My memory keeps, you see. So I always envision everyone else in my head, even if I only want to see you. Events, things that built up to the moment in which I stand… and I hate a lot of it. The people too. Some. I wish there was a recycle bin, reformat button, Liquid Paper, that funky machine that erases a person from someone’s memory in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

But yeah, smells. They’re there when you’re there. Or when a fragment of your life stained in your smell is there. Like your towel. So I sniff it once in a while. I hope I’m not putting you off or anything, but one can’t remember smells unless they smell that smell. And to me, a smell is the closest thing to the tangible.

I don't think I like this feeling of dependency, but it's proof, I guess. Like the way my heart beats when we're together. 

Fuck, I'm sprouting love cliches.

See what you do to me?

You'd better be going through something like this so I won't feel too much like an idiot.

.

On a not-really-unrelated note: I feel like bursting into tears right now. God, I hate PMS. I wanted to sit on the swing so badly tonight, but school bus drivers were hanging around the park and I was afraid they'd rape me in the bus and no one would hear me scream through the engine.